Vladamir Putin pulls Khabib Nurmagomedov from UFC 209 Card (allegedly) Theory

I like to think of me and my readers as a family. And part of having a family, is being honest with them, so that’s what I intend to do. The lack of traction which my blog has gained has been quite disappointing. I can still count the number of my readers without having to use my toes. And that is beginning to wear on my already dangerously low self esteem.

So it’s obvious that I need to either give up this blogging gig and find an easier way to get undeserved adoration, or I need to get a bigger audience. And if you know anything about how the media works I can up my public profile one of three ways.

Option #1: Sex Tape

If it worked for the Kardashian’s, it will work for me. The only difference is I think watching Ray J and Kim K bump nasties probably has a bit more sex appeal than watching a solo video with a fat Kid Rock/Pre Op Bruce Jenner lookalike.

Option #2: Scientology

I live my life by one stead fast rule. “If it’s good enough for John Travolta, than it’s good enough for me.” Who am I to disparage any religion which the great Danny Zucko deems worthy of his time and effort. Unfortunately due to my inclination to sea sickness the religion and I just aren’t a good fit. There is no way I could hack it on the “Freewinds”. Also John Travolta had all that weird massage parlor shit go down, so maybe I don’t have to do everything he does.

Option #3: Join the George Soros Liberal Media Machine

I consider myself fairly “woke” (as the youth likes to say) when it comes to politics. I watch a number of Tomi Lahren and Alex Jones videos on Facebook everyday, so it’s pretty tough to pull the wool over my eyes. I know George Soros is the puppet master behind the scenes. He’s telling the media what to report, paying protesters, and destroying the careers of those who voice opinions different than his (allegedly).

Now usually it would kill me to join the ranks of the communist loving, birkenstock wearing, Trader Joe Shopping, libtard media. Honestly I just thought about it again, and the mere thought of admitting President Barrack Hussein Obama may not have been born in Kenya, made me throw up a little bit in my mouth. But I’ve decided instead to Trojan Horse those welfare mooching sons of bitches.

That’s right I’m going to engage in a little phrase I made up entirely myself called, a “Win Win” See I’m going to disguise myself as one of those candy ass social justice warriors, and proceed to take down the entire structure by which the liberal media machine was built on. And while I’m crippling the liberal media, I will simultaneously be gaining an obscene amount of notoriety and wealth, all off the back of those very same granola eating nerds.

So to pander to all these kale eating Nancy boys, I’ve decided to give them one of their favorite types of articles. A scathing, scorched earth, fire take, on the Russians and their involvement in the US government, and even more importantly the UFC government.

Yes I’m talking about the #1 contender for the Lightweight title, and child of Mother Russia, Khabib Nurmagomedov, ruining UFC 209 by dropping out of the fight three days prior.

Khabib was hospitalized on Friday night, due to complications with his weight cut. According to his manager, Rizvan Magomedov, he was taken to the hospitalized after suffering from acute liver pain, which was due to his severe dehydration. It’s yet another example of weight cutting being a huge issue with the sport. If only someone wrote a more in depth piece on that very topic.

Now I know I can’t be the only one who thinks Vladimir Putin’s hands aren’t clean in this entire ordeal. No his hands are never clean, it’s near impossible to scrub the blood of your political opponents off entirely. That’s why I’m forced to believe ol Putin tampered with this fight more than he did our presidential election.

See Khabib’s star has been steadily rising for the past couple of years. Had he won this fight with #2 contender Tony Ferguson, he would have been a shoo in to be Conor McGregor’s next opponent. And a fight with Conor McGregor not only means a title shot, but more importantly a big fat payday. And that doesn’t count all the money he lost out on last night. He was set to make to make $500,000 minimum, which would’ve been the largest payday of his career.

Yet because he couldn’t tough it out and power through through a little “Severe dehydration” he more than likely forgoed an opportunity at millions of dollars. See this is where Putin’s tampering begins to become blatantly obvious.

What do us Americans know about Putin and his country’s resources? He enjoys wetting the beak. If there is money to be made off of a Russian resource, then you can bet your ass ol Vlade is gonna get himself a taste of it. Why do you think he’s fighting so hard to get the oil sanctions lifted? It’s not because he gives a hoot about the Russian people, thats for sure. No Putin stands to make a whole shit ton of money if those sanctions get lifted.

With that evidence in mind, one would have to assume that the idea of a potential resource of his country’s making a whole lot of money without him getting a piece, drove him batty. It’s not out of the realm of impossibility that instead of letting bygones be bygones, Putin sent some of his top KGB operatives over, to “convince” Khabib he was having weight cutting complications (allegedly). It wouldn’t be the first time Putin dispatched his henchmen to take deal with enemies of the Kremlin. If we’re being honest, Khabib probably got away easy. He didn’t even have to face a firing squad.

And I know some may argue, “Oh Evan what a preposterous theory. There would have been more confusion surrounding an event like this.” But UFC President Dana White was quick to point out that, the circumstances surrounding Khabib bowing out weren’t normal.

His team had decided to take him to just some random hospital here in Las Vegas instead of picking up the phone and calling our doctor and calling Brianna [Mattison], who runs all the medicals,” White told MMAFighting.com “They went rogue and went out and did their own thing. Had they done this thing the right way, the fight probably could have been saved.”

Sound’s a bit suspicious to me, almost like a powerful dictator is trying to flex his muscles at an inferior opponent.

And if all that doesn’t convince you of tampering by the Ruskis, then maybe the link between Donald Trump and Dana White (President of the UFC) will. Dana was one of the first and most outspoken proponents of Donald Trump. The Donald also has mentioned on multiple occasions how much he respects Dana (I’m not sure how, I have a rule against respecting males with woman names), and he even wanted him to speak at the Republican convention. Those two are cozier than Ricky and Lucy in their separate beds.

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A 100% not photo shopped picture of 3 great leaders. From right to left President Putin, President Trump, and President White. (Photo of Trump and Putin via wikipedia commons. Photo of Dana White via Abdrius Petrucenia on Flickr)

So would it truly be that mind boggling to assume that Putin may be tampering and playing mind games with a man whom has that much in common with President Trump? For all we know Dana also has basked in the yellow rain of a Russian hooker lady parts (allegedly). He has stayed in Russia before for UFC business, so you know they’ve got hours of film on him.

But don’t take just my word for it, COS Political Science major Hector Cadena had to say on the subject.

If that doesn’t convince you that Putin isn’t above tampering with UFC events, then I’m not sure what will. I for one believe we need to have an independent investigation into the UFC’s ties to Russia, and that Senator Sessions needs to recuse himself from this one as well. Just for good measure.

And boom! There is my first libtard satiating Russian hit piece. To all my conservative brothers and sisters I apologize for the revolting amount of snowflake rhetoric I used today, but how else am I supposed to convince these sin loving pagans I’m one of them. I hope you come back and read again next week. I’m going to try to finally illuminate them to the fact that Pizzagate wasn’t fake news, and that the UFC is actually involved in that as well (allegedly).

 

PS: I have it on good authority that by saying allegedly, and by taking advantage of parody law I can say whatever I like.

PPS: If you clicked on that Ray J Kim Kardashian link I posted hoping to find a video of them making babies on there, then I hope you spend some time exploring the Porn addiction website you wound up on.

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